I am a jealous person. When I like someone, I will get jealous every time they compliment a celebrity who is prettier than me. Every time they look down at their phone, because it could be another girl on the other side of the conversation. I become self-conscious every time they are around other people that they could secretly like more than me.
I want to be the center of their universe, as unrealistic as that sounds. I want them to like me and only me. When they direct their attention elsewhere, I feel like shit.
I know my mindset is wrong. I know I should trust the person I’m dating to
I even get jealous in platonic relationships. If my best friend seems like they are growing closer to another friend, then I will freak out. I will watch their snap stories and wish I was there with them. I will wonder whether they had a better time together than they ever had alongside me.
I know they are allowed to have multiple friends, I know there is no reason for me to turn everything into a competition, but I want to be the first person they text when they have good news. I want to be the person they call when they are bored and need plans. I want to be the person they ask to be their maid of honor on their wedding day.
My jealousy has become so uncontrollable that it has extended into my career. When someone else receives recognition, I take it as an insult. I wonder what I am lacking. I wonder why they were rewarded while I was left unacknowledged.
I am working long hours. I am putting in constant effort. I am keeping my passion alive. I feel like I am doing everything possible to reach my dreams, so I consider it unfair when someone steps ahead of me — and that is the most toxic way to think.
Not everything is about me. I cannot take someone else’s happiness personally. If anything, I should be proud of them because I know how rough this world can be and how much strength it takes to survive. I should look at them as inspiration. As a role model.
If that is impossible for me to do, then I should least channel my anger into something productive. Whenever I see someone else succeed, it should push me to work harder. It should encourage me to keep moving forward, because I am clearly not happy in my current place. I want more. I want to do better. I want to feel fulfilled.
My jealousy has always been something I wished I could get rid of, but maybe it is something that will help me in the future. Maybe it will show me what I want and push me towards getting it.
Holly is the author of Severe(d): A Creepy Poetry Collection.
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