I didn’t want to forgive you. The amount of physical and psychological damage you did to my life is unexplainable. Anything and everything you put me through are things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It is inexcusable. But because you’re never going to change and own the fact that what you did was wrong, I am forgiving you so I am able to sleep at night. I am forgiving you so that I could leave this in the past and no longer allow it to affect my future. You’ve had too much power over me for so long and it’s coming to an end.
Cornering me in the bathroom and intimidating me by getting so close to my face I could feel the heat from your breath still haunts me today. Sometimes, I wake up from a nightmare and it literally feels as if you’re standing right over me. When someone comes to check on me or wants to ask me a question while I’m laying down, the opening of the door still makes me jump out of my skin even though I know you are not around.
Instigating fights and antagonizing me while I was ill is unfathomable to most but was a daily occurrence and my reality, unfortunately. From yelling and screaming at me while I was severely ill to the lies and cheating to blaming me for everything wrong in your life, I have been able to find forgiveness for your actions. You’re much sicker than I ever was and because of that realization, I am able to forgive you.
Staging prescription medication all over the floor and then calling the police reporting to them I overdosed was just the start of the dysfunctional roller coaster you were about to send me on. You didn’t want me in our apartment that night for some reason and the reason doesn’t even matter anymore.
You put a mark on my background so that potential jobs I wanted may not hire me because of a psychiatric history. And even though the hospital I was taken to found no evidence of medication in my body and completed a domestic violence assessment, the initial reason for bringing me to the hospital was an overdose and that is on record permanently.
Waking me up by taking a pistol and smacking it on my thigh, holding it to my head while I pleaded to you to cover my dead body to spare my family seeing their little girl like that. Had you done that to the previous victims? Thankfully, you forgot something in the other room and I was given a split second to make the decision to live or die. I chose to live and booked it out of that apartment so fast I didn’t care what was left behind.
I ran with one slipper on, no cell phone to call anyone because you had stolen both my personal and work cell phone and a police department a few miles down the street. I ran faster than the speed of light to that police department and when I got there, I collapsed on the floor and officers called my family. The last text message from you was “never bye, believe that love, never bye…” which has been permanently stamped in my memory.
At times, I don’t know whether I am more resentful at you or law enforcement and judicial system for not helping and making me jump through every last hoop possible to obtain a restraining order against you. It is neither here nor there because I have forgiven the officers and judges I encountered throughout my roller coaster in hell.
But you knew they weren’t going to do much, didn’t you? You knew the laws without having to look them up because of the amount of times you’ve been arrested for domestic violence or related offenses but never convicted because we were all too scared for our lives.
But finally, I was no longer scared and fought for my right to live my life the way I wanted to. Endless battles in and out of courtrooms became exhausting but there was never a thought in my mind to drop the charges no matter how exhausted both mentally and physically I was. Justice needed to be served for what you did to me and the others. I became the voice for the others because you silenced them. I became the voice for future victims to save them from a hell of a lot of pain and torture. Justice was served to us all.
Now that justice has been served and while I still have constant nightmares and thoughts about the hell you put me through, I can finally forgive you today. I forgive you for being a sick individual. I forgive you because I need my own peace of mind. Rather than hold on to these poisonous resentments, I am setting them free so I can live as normal of a life as I can. Today, I forgive you and I wish you farewell.
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