To Every Girl Whose Ever Tried A Little Too Hard For The Wrong Relationships

I want to tell you it’s admirable how much you try for people you care about. I admire how much you invest in people and what you’re willing to give. I think it’s a really redeeming quality how you jump into things both feet first with all of your heart.

You see the best in everyone. The people others look past. The ones who are jaded and complicated. The ones you think you can fix. But it’s the people you think you can change who are the ones that hurt you the most. It’s those people who are going to take everything you give until you have nothing left to and then they walk away with it and you’re the one that feels broken.

I want to say being the way you are you’re going to only see good relationships. But you’re going to see a lot more bad ones before you see good ones.

You’re going to see people who mess with your head and you’re going to analyze it thinking it’s something you are doing wrong. They are going to be the people who answer texts three days later. The ones who appear to care like it’s something they can switch on and off. It’s going to be the people who blow up your newsfeed then ignore you.

The ones who drop in and out of your life like they have a right to.

You’re going to see a lot of people who tell you what you want to hear because they have motives that are unkind. And they’re only thinking of one thing. You’re going to have a lot of physical relationships with people but what’s going to lack is the emotional connection that just isn’t there. And that’s not something you can force.

And you’re going to keep trying and you’re going to keep caring because that’s who you are. You don’t do casual or emotionless because that’s not who you are. Even the wrong people are going to get the best of you.

Then when it comes to committing a lot of them won’t. You’re going to analyze yourself and pick apart your flaws thinking you are to blame for someone’s inability to be what you need, while you try really hard to play the role of what someone wants.

There are going to be moments where you lose yourself pretending to be what they want you to be instead of being who you are.

I wish they didn’t make you feel like it’s a bad thing to care the way you do. But unfortunately, it’s generation that doesn’t hold true to your same values.

I’m going to ask you to not change that. Even when you come across people who look at you and think you’re crazy for some of the standards and some of the things you believe in. They are going to try and make you feel wrong when in reality it’s them.

They are going to try and force you to settle. And there are going to be moments where you do settle for less than you deserve. There are going to be a few toxic relationships where people aren’t nice. And I know it’s going to hurt a lot.

You’re going to do backflips for some people trying to be enough. You’re going to fall in love with people who don’t deserve that affection and effort. And a lot of them won’t reciprocate all you have to give because it’s different. You’re different.

Everyone is used to being used and taken advantage of and watching someone give expecting something in return. You being genuine and kind and giving without needing anything in return is admirable. And I know it’s gonna hurt sometimes. And I know you’re going to cry yourself to sleep a lot. I know you’re going to pick yourself apart trying to be better.

But you have to realize you are better.

You are better than the guys who just use you for sex.

You are better than the guys who just use you emotionally.

You are better than the guys who lie to you and tell you what you want to hear making promises they’ll never keep.

You are better than the guys who can’t commit.

You are better than the texts that don’t get answered and the games they love to play.

You are better than the people who keep you waiting.

You are better than the people who leave.

You grow emotionally attached and think you need people but it’s them who needs you and a lot them won’t realize it until you walk away and it’s too late.

But I ask you not to change even when you’re hurting.

Because one day you’re going to meet someone who teaches you, you’re enough. One day you’re going to meet someone and everything you’ve done for others is going to come back to you. One day you’re going to cross paths with someone who makes you realize how great you are and you’ll start to see yourself through his eyes. And you won’t look at your flaws or the things you wish you could change. Because to him you’re going to be perfect.

You’re going to meet someone who doesn’t take you for granted or use you for sex but teaches you what sex in a relationship should be. He’s gonna be someone who doesn’t keep you as some secret but shows you off to everyone. He’s gonna be someone who meets you halfway. And when that happens it’s going to feel a little weird at first because I know you aren’t used to getting what you give but that’s exactly what you deserve.

He’s going to be someone who answers your texts quickly and wants to see you as much as you want to see him. He’s not going to cancel on you or leave you standing somewhere alone as you put on a brave face even though you are hurting.

Being the way you are you’re going to get hurt but that’s part of it. One day you’re going to love again and it’s going to be right and you’re going to be sure and you’re going to wake up next to someone who makes you feel like you never were broken. Because he doesn’t treat you that way.

If I could tell me younger self and every other girl like me something about the relationships you engage in, until you find the right one, don’t try so hard. Don’t hurt yourself loving so deeply. Don’t think you have to do everything to make the relationship work. Don’t choose the wrong people. But then I realize those relationships needed to happen.

Those bad relationships that made me fall to my knees are going to be what teaches me to appreciate the right one. And for every bad relationship and every night I cried myself to sleep and how much it hurt, that’s how much better it’s gonna be.

I would say don’t change even if it hurts to be the way you are because one day it’s not going to hurt anymore and one day it’s all going to come back to you everything you invested in those people who didn’t deserve it.

And you’ll realize it was them who didn’t deserve you.

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put in words

This post first appeared at Thought Catalog

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